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Some Dates and Notes...

• Thu, 02 Sep 2010 11:08:58 -0600
  
  

  
  
  Android Jones
  

  ---

  
  
• Thu, 02 Sep 2010 11:01:08 -0600
  
  

  Cruising through the mind
  is a trip
  one of a kind
  
  first pulled one way
  then another
  
  What to do next?
  Whats left to uncover
  
  I want to make music
  I want to write poetry
  I want to build something
  I must feel accomplished
  
  I have this drive. To be my own master.
  My mind still doesn't feel like my own.
  Its an enigma of a tool. Solving puzzle
  after puzzle just to find another use.
  Once the wrench is found I see the bolt
  that was always there.
  
  "Oh!" I exclaim. I know what thats for.
  
  The solution, it seems, arrives before the
  problem. But thats the way my mind works.
  
  Sometimes.
  
  Sometimes I have a problem, and I think
  I have the solution. "I've been here
  before" I say. "I know how this works"
  I think. So I grab the tool, the one
  I used before, and go to work. I exhaust
  myself in mind-work. The wrench seems to
  fit, but I can't seem to get the bolt
  to turn. I work harder, and harder. I
  take a small break here and there, but
  the problem is always there. I can't escape
  it.
  
  I crank the wrench harder, and harder. I'm
  in pain now, refusing to give up. I try
  harder, even harder. I'm bleeding, but I
  won't surrender. Suddenly, violently, the
  wrench slips, slicing me open, leaving me
  broken.
  
  "FUCK!"
  
  "FUCK YOU!"
  
  I do my best to mend my wounds. The wounds
  of the mind, but I still haven't found
  the tool for that. Its one of the many
  puzzles left to be solved.
  
  And the bolt is still there, staring me in
  the face. A cold reminder of a wound I
  can't seem to heal. A cold, iron bolt that
  refuses to budge, refuses to leave me alone.
  
  So I run.
  And I run.
  I run.
  
  But you can't run from yourself. Wherever you
  go the mind follows. You could end up halfway
  across the globe. You could go from the most
  tranquil of places to a warzone, but the mind
  still follows. Trust me, I've tried.
  
  So I give up. I don't care anymore. The bolt
  becomes a part of me, a part of the scenery,
  the setting in my mind. The bolt is me; I am
  the bolt. My problems become me and I accept
  them.
  
  Then one day, without ever realizing it. The
  bolt disappears. Somehow, someway, this
  amazing tool, the mind, turned the bolt on its
  own. I was oblivious to it, but one day I look
  and its been replaced.
  
  A new problem sits in its place. A beautiful
  problem. My problem. Me.
  
  So now its back to the drawing board. Back to
  the enigma of the mind. To find a solution
  to the latest problem.
  
  =============================================
  
  There was a girl
  beautiful and smart
  
  She said she loved me
  and had all my heart
  
  We took a trip
  into the future
  became different people
  our lives became art
  
  Till one day it ended
  we saw it coming
  but refused to believe
  we were torn apart
  
  I went on alone
  She built an entourage
  
  Love turned to hate
  hate into lust
  
  I craved flesh
  I wanted answers
  
  She wanted to escape
  to be far away
  close to another
  
  Many came
  Many went
  
  People were lame
  I was spent
  
  So I left them all
  Family, friends
  cities and malls
  
  I went to war
  With an enemy
  within and without
  
  I faced death
  and fell in love with life
  I had little left
  but enjoyed the strife
  
  However, the current journey is coming to an end.
  I had a quick taste of what I left, and realized
  that I can't stay forever. This isn't who I am
  This isn't who I was meant to be.
  
  I am a creative. A master of my life. I am an
  explorer, of this world and the next. Master
  Shaman of the modern landscape.
  
  The world of spirit and soul make more sense
  to me than that of taste and touch. In one
  I'm connected to it all. Its all connected
  to me. I can feel, I can see.
  
  In the other its all about disconnect, all about
  whats left. Progress here is never a for-sure thing.
  Progress here is something always out of reach.
  
  I never know who I am, where I'm supposed to be.
  So I ask myself. Does it matter? Do I care? Why?
  
  The answers come easy, but feel terrible. This
  can't be. The mystics before me knew it all at
  a time. They fasted and abstained. They were
  hermits and healers, teachers and learners.
  
  It all seems so easy in their writing. Even when
  they say its incredibly hard. I wonder how close
  they were to their own suffering.
  
  The feeling of being lost. Is too familiar to me.
  Again, I have yet to find the tool for this
  problem. I feel extremely annoyed, out of control
  of my own mind. My own self is a dark sea covered
  in fog. I never know what I will do to myself next.
  I never know what lies, turning, burning, beneath.
  
  The subconscious can be my greatest ally, or my
  worst enemy. I try so hard to understand it, to
  treat it with the utmost respect.
  
  I'm dieing to learn, how to make it work for me.
  I'm dieing to master, inception upon myself.
  I need to know, what she is doing in my life.
  
  But if I knew... I wouldn't be learning.
  
  ================================================
  
  Again I hope, against all hope.
  that this fantasy I'm dreaming
  
  Can defy reality
  Defy all meaning
  
  Always fighting
  fighting the odds
  flying higher
  
  Till I crash and burn
  fall tearing and screaming
  calling myself a liar
  
  I simply can't be satisfied
  with moderation
  taking a step at a time
  staying in line
  
  I simply won't believe
  in the reality I'm presented
  The dream is real
  I will make it mine
  
  I often tell myself
  I am forever alone
  Its my fate
  No one else can handle the climb
  
  Then they come
  the ones with so much promise
  so much potential
  I finally found one this time
  
  and again I give into hope
  give them a taste
  and a warning
  
  but I taste too good
  and feel even better
  they're still there in the morning
  
  Burn victim walking
  charred around the edges
  can't forget the pain
  it can hurt just talking
  
  Lacking a lot of trust
  No matter the situation
  Drive on I must
  
  Time was on my side
  yes it was
  but not anymore
  
  The goal is narrow
  far from wide
  still,
  tempted by the potential to score
  
  This one will be far from easy. Before I had all the time in the world.
  I had nothing to lose, everything to gain. In the end I realize I set
  myself up for failure. The loss was painful, almost unbearable. In the
  end I destroyed myself, everything I believed in, and everything I
  had hoped for.
  
  Now, rebuilt anew, ready to try again, I see the potential. Its very
  real. Very strong, beautiful, determined, but young, prone to so
  many mistakes. Can I handle it? Can I be the person I know I have
  to be?
  
  In the end I realize its really a coin toss. On one side I have myself
  my resources and the freedom my primitive nature desires more than
  anything. On the other I am building something new, becoming someone new.
  The risks are great, greater than ever before. But the setup is all I
  could have ever asked for. The Great All itself approved.
  
  In the end I realize its The Ego, The Fear thats plaguing my mind.
  Another enigma solved. One I've solved before, only presented in
  a different form. A new pattern, hacked.
  
  Fear is the mind-killer.
  I will face my fears.
  I will chase it down
  and shit in its face
  hold it under
  and let it drown.
  
  Facing my fears has yet to fail me, maybe this time it will. Fuck it.
  I'd rather die attempting to evolve than not.
  
  Its on! Like motherfucking Donkey Kong!
  
  A coin toss becoming a no-brainer in a matter of seconds.
  Becoming a Master, one mystery at a time. 
  

  ---

  
  
• Sat, 28 Aug 2010 09:09:18 -0600
  
  

  I cant sleep
  not right now
  my mind is busy
  very busy
  the potential spiral
  burning and turning
  voilent
  full of itself
  Earth
  surrounds me now
  inside the volcano
  I'm trapped
  everything inside me
  begs for eruption
  The trick will be
  to ooze a bit here and there
  or risk destruction
  This dog must learn a new trick
  

  ---

  
  
• Sat, 28 Aug 2010 09:02:55 -0600
  
  

  
  it was just the tip
  tip of the iceberg
  
  It pierced my heart
  turned our lives into art
  
  dove with wing 
  dipped in blood
  made me king 
  of a the land
  when I waved my hand
  
  Queen Mother
  of the West
  I did my best
  
  What is there to do
  when im lost
  the masterpiece needs glue
  whats the cost
  
  feels like im fumbling
  others think im rambling
  this madness leads to sadness
  
  driven to act
  I changed my life
  once full of strife
  
  now stillness is harder to bare
  its so thick in this air
  

  ---

  
  
• Fri, 27 Aug 2010 07:34:44 -0600
  
  

  Never Satisfied....
  
  
  
  
  
  All alone I smoke
  Far from home
  This world can be such a joke
  
  Inside I leave this place
  gone somewhere else
  eyes open just in case
  
  There is thunder in the distance
  I remember a girl
  and the enemy's persistence
  
  ====================================
  
  The lights come on
  Leadership is screaming
  Lets get it on
  
  Everyone kits up
  the silence says it all
  someone is about to get fucked up
  
  Leaving the wire
  no longer myself
  A beast made for muck and mire
  
  My grenades are hungry
  Hungry for Haj
  Kissing one I know
  The frag they can't dodge
  
  I take a step back
  another step closer
  Another attack
  Another dead loser
  
  Tonight we fight
  for what we believe is right
  
  and its raining
  giving purpose to my training
  
  and I'm screaming
  forgetting the meaning
  
  My mind is tired
  taking all these drugs
  is keeping me wired
  
  The pain is lost
  amongst the confusion
  just another thought
  turned into illusion
  
  All the blood
  All the smoke
  All the mud
  Lost in a blur
  the forgotten past
  where my memories stir
  
  ============================
  
  So I fight
  one more night
  to see her again
  so the adventure can
  begin
  

  ---

  
  
• Sat, 21 Aug 2010 21:38:11 -0600
  
  

  ---

  
  
• Sat, 21 Aug 2010 21:36:01 -0600
  
  

  Could you heal me
  Can you see me through my skin
  Feel my heart beat
  Open up and let me in
  
  My body will last
  Much longer than my mind
  Help me forget the past
  If you would ever be so kind
  
  I want to get lost
  Get lost in the Abyss
  Suck me in
  Heal me with a single kiss 
  

  ---

  
  
• Sat, 21 Aug 2010 21:32:00 -0600
  
  

  How do I manage?
  
  I'm just a RocknRolla.
  A real RocknRolla.
  I'm far from fake.
  I'm in your face.
  Treating you like you like you deserve to be treated.
  
  To rock your world
  is why I exist
  To take you to the very next level
  
  The other females get pissed
  They don't know what they missed
  Not being with a real RocknRolla
  
  We'll take our place
  Declare our space
  and melt the faces of some jealous motherfuckers.
  
  Because we're the shit
  Totally legit
  Unnaturally awesome RocknRollas
  
  You see we're the fire
  living everyone's desire
  Slicing through the muck and the mire
  
  The ultimate team
  living the dream
  Chasing down passion
  Flying forever higher.
  

  ---

  
  
• Mon, 19 Jul 2010 02:16:47 -0600
  
  

  So its been a while, quite a long while in fact.
  
  Its not due to a lack of inspiration, but a lack of resources.
  
  In fact I have had more inspiration in these last eight months
  than I have probably had in my lifetime.
  
  If you can imagine the experience of such a creative orgasm,
  then you might be able to understand that I will need even more 
  time to comprehend it all.
  
  Its been a trip to say the least.
  I can't even begin to explain.
  There comes a point where you just don't care anymore.
  When the bullets whizzing by your head is no longer 
  a cause to duck for cover.
  Instead you focus on discovering where its coming from
  and reacting to it then.
  Usually by returning fire, or estimating range for
  another weapon system.
  
  I've learned a lot about myself, people, and the world around me.
  
  However, that was always the goal.
  

  ---

  
  
• Sun, 02 May 2010 18:53:30 -0600
  
  

  
  
  
  "Infantrymen come in all shapes, shades, weights,
  sizes, states of sobriety, misery, and confusion. They are sly as a fox, 
  have the nerve of a dope addict, the sincerity of a politician, and the 
  subtly of Mt. Saint Helen. They are extremely irresistible, totally 
  irrational and completely indestructible.
  An Infantryman is a Soldier all his life even if only for a few years of 
  that life. He is a magical creature. You can kick him out of your house 
  but not out of your heart. You can take him off your mailing list but 
  not off your mind. Soldiers are found everywhere... in love...in
  battle... in lust... in trouble...in debt...in bars and ... behind them. 
  No one can write so seldom and yet think so much of you. No one else can 
  get so much enjoyment out of a letter or clean clothes or a
  six pack. An infantryman is a genius with a deck of cards. A millionaire 
  without a cent and brave without a grain of sense. HE IS THE PROTECTOR 
  OF
  AMERICA! When he wants something, it's usually 30 days leave, music that 
  hurts the ears, a five dollar bill...or a woman he can count on.
  Girls love them, mothers tolerate them, fathers brag about them, the 
  government pays them, the police watch out for them and somehow
  they all work together.
  You can beat their bodies, but not their minds. You can tame their 
  hearts, but not their souls.
  He likes girls, chow, females,dip, women,alcohol, ladies, did I say 
  alcohol?, and the opposite sex.
  Infantrymen dislike small checks, working weekends, answering letters, 
  waking up, maintaining a uniform, and the day before payday.
  You may as well give in. An Infantryman is your long distance lover... 
  they are your steely-eyed, warm-smiling, blank-minded, hyper-active,
  over-reacting, curious, passionate, talented, spontaneous, physically 
  fit, good for nothing bundle of worry..... And he will always be there 
  for you, regardless of how long its been since you've last talked."
  
  -unknown
  

  ---

  
  
• Sat, 24 Apr 2010 10:18:31 -0600
  
  

  If you recognize the underlying emotions people use to talk to each 
  other every time we speak.
  
  You can listen to anyone, even the mute.
  

  ---

  
  
• Sat, 24 Apr 2010 10:16:36 -0600
  
  

  ---

  
  
• Sat, 24 Apr 2010 10:05:29 -0600
  
  

  ---

  
  
• Sat, 24 Apr 2010 10:02:10 -0600
  
  

  ---

  
  
• Sat, 24 Apr 2010 10:00:55 -0600
  
  

  ---

  
  
• Sat, 24 Apr 2010 09:49:09 -0600
  
  

  A dollar bill is a piece of paper, nothing more.
  
  A US dollar, is a note from the Federal Reserve which states that the 
  federal government owes the owner of the note one dollar.
  
  Income is taxable, dollars are not.
  
  A dollar bill in the hand of a rich man does not hold the same value as 
  a dollar in the hand of a pauper.
  
  We are stuck, regarding words as truth.
  
  Truth is abstract
  
  So is good and evil.
  
  But Truth is nothing more than an adjective which is applied to reality 
  through human choice.
  
  Therefore, reality is independent of Truth.
  
  If you ask me to explain reality I will not hear your words. Instead I 
  will see a person looking for an answer in me.
  
  Do I give the questioner what they expect? Or do I attempt to convey 
  truth? If I believe the person deserving enough to attempt to convey 
  truth, are words true? If asked to explain reality, words don.t come 
  close.
  
  All my knowledge is a lie.
  
  All I know is my own experience.
  
  I know not another.s life.
  
  I know not this world through eyes that are not my own.
  
  I have no experience, no memories, no life remembered that has not been 
  filtered through my own unique perception.
  
  What can I assume?
  
  Why should I assume?
  
  Words are not the enemy
  
  Words are our friend
  
  Our own minds create our enemy
  
  We choose to assume
  
  We wake up in the morning and put on a watch, assuming we might need to 
  know the time.
  
  We grab our car keys before we leave the door, assuming there will be a 
  car in the garage.
  
  The only safe assumption is to assume change.
  
  assume
  
  assume
  
  assume
  
  I hate the word.
  
  I love the word.
  
  It sounds funny in my mind.
  
  Im not speaking silly, im typing.
  
  Not by the time you read this however.
  
  you
  
  whoever you are
  
  you are me
  
  and I am you
  
  we are not seperate
  
  but together
  
  on this planet
  
  in this solar system
  
  in this galaxy
  
  floating around our universe
  
  right here
  
  right now
  
  there is nothing
  
  only me
  
  and my water
  
  I used to be so wrapped up in Science, so wrapped up in logic. I wanted 
  an explanation for it all. I wanted to know how it worked. I wanted to 
  know how to duplicate a thing. I wanted words. What I realized was that 
  they were never enough. I had to do it for myself. No one taught me how 
  to install Linux. No one taught me how to make it work on my computer. 
  No one taught me anything.
  
  Books are useless to someone who cant read. Those who read to understand 
  are capable of understanding the words they read, not the ideas and 
  original thoughts behind them. Once you assume you understand the 
  original thoughts and ideas behind a collection of words, you are really 
  only experiencing your own thoughts and ideas derived from the works.
  
  I used to hate emotion. I would refuse to accept my own jealousy, greed, 
  lust and so on. As far as I knew these emotions were .bad.. Bad things 
  came from people who accepted and ran with those emotions. I was not 
  going to let that happen to me. I was so wrong. Human kind feels 
  emotions for a reason, without them we would be lost. They are an 
  essential part of human experience. They are 50% of your life. Learn to 
  love your emotions. Accept them. Don.t fight it. When we are jealous or 
  lustfull, we feel a change in our being. We must become comfortable with 
  our new nature for it was always our nature.
  
  To know reality, I live life. To gain wisdom, I experience. To emit 
  knowledge I allow another to observe.
  
  Freidrich Nietzsche -
  
  .In order to raise an accusation against the whole nature of the world, 
  you dismal philosophical blindworms speak of the terrible character of 
  human passions. As if wherever there have been passions there had also 
  been terribleness! As if this kind of terribleness was bound to persist 
  in the world!. Through a neglect of the small facts, through lack of 
  self-observation and observation of those who are to be brought up, it 
  is you yourselves who first allowed the passions to develop into such 
  monsters that you are overcome by fear at the word .passion.! It was up 
  to you, and is up to us, to take from the passions their terrible 
  character and thus prevent their becoming devastating torrents.. One 
  should not inflate one.s oversights into eternal fatalities; let us 
  rather work honestly together on the task of transforming the passions 
  of mankind one and all into joys..
  

  ---

  
  
• Thu, 15 Apr 2010 11:32:34 -0600
  
  

  Woshigari
  
  
  

  ---

  
  
• Fri, 12 Mar 2010 04:38:42 -0700
  
  I am doing alright. Going on the fourth month of deployment and I haven't had a day off yet. The mud is finally subsiding and we finished building a new kitchen. For the next three days we are being served three hot meals a day instead of the normal two. On the downside we wont have any hot meals for a few days while they move all the kitchen equipment to the new building. Again I can't remember the last time I took a shower. Talking to you always reminds me to do so. I went to Altimur which is another Army base for that top secret class I told you about last time, but when I got there it was canceled. I spent the time catching up on sleep. I was going to take a shower, but forgot to pack my shower shoes. My biggest problem still is the lack of free time. I'm writing this email on-guard. I'll copy it off my notepad later. I was working out everyday, but now its all I can do to stay mentally fit. Our sister unit lost two men the other day to an IED attack. Every day we receive reports of military age males on rooftops with RPGs looking to take down birds that fly in and out of our COP. One of our local workers went missing recently and we later found out he was kidnapped. Right now he is probably being interrogated and possibly tortured for information about us. Locals I've never seen before are coming up to our gate and asking for stuff like blankets and radios and then walking off. We think they're probing our gate for possible suicide bombers. Its making us all nervous. My buddy has been working the gate every day and yesterday he finally asked me if I would trade him positions. I agreed and the following four hours were the most nerve racking I've spent in Afghanistan so far. I don't know what I'll do if he asks me again and if anything happens I have no idea how I'll feel. I need a shower bad. I smell like piss. The good news is I'm getting R&R for sure now, though I don't know when. I miss Colorado. I miss fresh Fat Tire and Buffalo Wild Wings on hockey night. Been having some crazy dreams lately so I decided to start keeping a dream journal on my laptop. I lost my knife so I had to order a new one. I ordered an automatic opening one that only military personel can buy. I also lost my tape and head lamp so no more reading at night. Going to try to catch some more sleep. Write back.

  ---

  
  
• Sun, 28 Feb 2010 21:32:06 -0700
  
  

  I dream of a day when I finally come home
  I see no more roads to roam
  One day I'll be where I can grow old
  One day I'll be where I don't... fear the cold.
  
  and I'm always moving
  Through body and mind
  
  The scenes always changing
  I wish I was blind
  
  Take me home where the body can rest
  I do believe I've passed the test
  The girls where many
  and the beer is gone
  I fear I've been here way too long.
  
  and the times are changing
  Though I feel the same
  
  The patterns are shifting
  People going insane
  
  I look around and shake my head
  The men with me should be dead
  Where we're going I don't care
  The smoke is curling in the air
  Time is all I have left
  What is it we all have kept
  
  The desperate are calling
  refusing to sleep
  
  The reaper is waiting
  there are souls to keep.
  
  The darkness curls all around
  To the never I am bound
  light the torch, hold it high
  one day they'll see I am right
  
  Scared of the cold, the women wail
  The men and their pride
  all will fail
  
  Some still have Illusions of wealth
  Most still live to satisfy the self.
  
  Mother nature weens us 
  may she have mercy
  wise and just
  
  The father waits
  the end of the test
  then I'll come home to rest
  
  But thats what I see from where I'm at
  feeling tested, proven
  and still movin
  
  What we think is the end
  is normally the beginning
  and what I think of as home
  is just a rest
  before becoming the best
  

  ---

  
  
• Wed, 17 Feb 2010 00:18:58 -0700
  
  

  ---

  
  
• Tue, 16 Feb 2010 09:13:22 -0700
  
  

  Updated the about page.
  

  ---

  
  
• Thu, 14 Jan 2010 06:19:26 -0700
  
  

  I created a thread.
  

  ---

  
  
• Thu, 14 Jan 2010 06:18:44 -0700
  
  

  There is a spiral
  and a triangle
  a circle
  with a pentagram....
  Symbols are the keys
  but which one leads where?
  Can we make them our own,
  or does the collective sway?
  I want to be satisfied,
  but they say suffering is the way
  The chaos is exciting
  but tranquility keeps me sane.
  The end of the world is near
  yet the new age has just begun.
  Everyone wants something new
  Everyone wants the mother
  to wash it all away.
  We have more satisfaction at our fingertips
  than ever before
  yet no one is happy
  everyone is insane.
  I know right now
  that I need to play 
  a different kind 
  of music.
  

  ---

  
  
• Thu, 14 Jan 2010 06:17:42 -0700
  
  

  Its been forever
  feels like centuries
  since she ran away
  The sounds of rifles and mortars make up the ambiance
  along with the usual sounds of a military airfield
  Gunshots are exhilarating
  but I still think of her
  Letting go of her is an act in reprogramming my entire mind
  ...
  and heart
  I thought I had it figured out
  I thought she had to be erased
  if I ever wanted to feel that way again
  The sounds of Apache gunfire compliment the thoughts of doubt
  I'm no longer so sure
  I'm no longer sure of anything anymore
  yet I've been here before
  though I don't remember what happens next
  delirium
  confusion
  is all I have
  Killing however,
  has become instinct.
  
  
  

  ---

  
  
• Tue, 29 Dec 2009 23:36:31 -0700
  
  

  Take away all the simple 
  shit
  easy pleasure and expensive
  awkwardness
  submit yourself to the painful journey
  embrace the shadow
  love loneliness
  lose everything you brought
  with you
  drop all you hang
  onto
  we must be cleansed
  before we can transform
  loneliness makes us harder
  pain makes us stronger
  the sharper edge 
  doesn't always get the kill
  and the most shoplifted book
  is the bible
  

  ---

  
  
• Tue, 29 Dec 2009 04:52:34 -0700
  
  

   Daniel Richter
  
  
  
  

  ---

  
  
• Tue, 29 Dec 2009 04:30:03 -0700
  
  

  ---

  
  
• Fri, 11 Dec 2009 09:52:32 -0700
  
  

  Soon
  
  Soon I will be waiting
  stalking
  my enemy
  
  Soon
  Soon I will be starving
  waiting
  stalking my enemy
  
  Soon 
  Soon I will be tired, starving
  waiting
  stalking
  my enemy
  
  Soon
  Soon I will destroy my enemy
  
  Its simple
  Never again will I believe otherwise
  Its simple
  

  ---

  
  
• Mon, 07 Dec 2009 03:59:03 -0700
  
  

  ---

  
  
• Sat, 21 Nov 2009 09:35:25 -0700
  
  

  This is to the girl in the corner
  This is to the beautiful
  This is to good music
      behind those dark red headphones
  forever complimenting the dark hair
  and maroon nails
  That which is most desired
  in the corner
  letting the world fly by in front of her
  the men walk by
  you catch their eye
  but not their hearts
  attracted to the blue flame in your eyes
  matching the navy blue hoodie
  my eyes are on you
  but your used to it
  

  ---

  
  
• Thu, 05 Nov 2009 11:45:45 -0700
  
  

  
  Afghanistan
  
  
  
  
  
  David Guttenfelder
  
  
  

  ---

  
  
• Mon, 02 Nov 2009 09:45:17 -0700
  
  

  
  
  Skyleaf
  
  

  ---

  
  
• Mon, 02 Nov 2009 09:25:48 -0700
  
  

  I used to despise regret
  but it can be a wonderful motivator
  the only reason I need
  to live a better life
  from this moment onward
  becoming the dream
  
  
  or something like that....
  

  ---

  
  
• Sun, 01 Nov 2009 04:59:14 -0700
  
  

  I'm the addict on the corner
  I'm the lawyer in the tower
  I'm the body with the coroner
  No, the leader with all the power
  You're the pillow, the cool side
  The sand during high tide
  The cocktail, poolside
  The water when clouds collide
  
  From the inside out
  We were formed
  From the inside out
  We will fall
  Soon this all will come to an end...
  
  Dredg - Sang Real
  
  
  "Do you see it? Do you see you? What are you? What aren't you?"
    - Magari
  
  

  ---

  
  
• Sun, 01 Nov 2009 04:53:37 -0700
  
  

  :4: The father of it is the sun, the mother the moon. 
  
  
  
  
  
  
  Men plauged with a feeling of no purpose
  Women with hysteria
  Both come to me easily
  
  Some things I know intuitively
  Yet I suffer endlessly for a cause
     or what I think may be my cause
      ....
  
  Three becomes four
  while five presents the challenge
  overcoming we see heaven in seven
  

  ---

  
  
• Wed, 21 Oct 2009 01:02:37 -0600
  
  

  ---

  
  
• Mon, 19 Oct 2009 22:40:18 -0600
  
  

  Taking into account the immense loss of resource and energy I find excuse after excuse to satisfy the 
  ego.Cursing the world around me for the cruelty it breeds. Belittling everyone and everything around me. 
  Nothing in this world could possibly suit me, bring me any pleasure. Everything is ugly. Everything is 
  beautiful.
  
  "We never get the respect we deserve..."
  "No one understands..."
  "We work so hard and receive so little..."
  "No one cares..."
  "I gave so much of myself... Such a selfless person deserves better."
  "Their sympathy sickens me..."
  "How dare they look upon me..."
  "Worthless little lives..."
  
  The manic depression nips at my heels as I crawl, scraping my belly across the ground. I am the snake who 
  hasn't the energy to lift his own head. The most vile of serpents. Making my away as fast as I can. Inch by 
  painful inch, breathing dust and smoke.
  
  "I must get out!" I tell myself. The beautiful hell I arrived in has sucked me dry, absolutely dry. With 
  barely enough water to moisten my eyes, I lick the air for a taste, but am left thin and dry. Drinking my 
  tears I crawl onward. I find the energy to lift my head and my skin cracks, begins to itch.
  
  Amidst the darkness two towers rise on the horizon. Lit by the moon, they stand as two becons; a shining 
  gateway to a world ruled by a ghostly light. There one can see the many creatures of all nightmares dancing 
  in the shadows. By light of the moon these nightmares move about the dark forest beyond the towers.Quick 
  movements followed by terrifying screams. Slow movements accompanied by immense, thunderous roars. A crunch, 
  cackling, and wet tearing sounds remind me of sweet, sweet flesh being consumed bya pack of ravenous 
  scavengers.
  
  I crawl forward, leaving one hell for another. At least this one doesn't lie, this one doesn't hide the 
  suffering it offers. I let my face fall to the earth, breathing dust and smoke. Forward I crawl, inch by 
  painful inch. My fingernails are practically nonexistent. My palms swollen, full of sand, blood, and thorns 
  from various vines I've had to crawl through. If I could see my feet and knees, they would probably look the 
  same.
  
  My ego won't shut up.
  
  "Fuck this place..."
  "Fuck these people..."
  "They don't deserve shit..."
  "I refuse to die here, amongst these vampires..."
  "These fake, ignorant creatures..."
  
  I care not, it drives me forward, closer to death, closer to release. The sounds of nightmares grow closer 
  and I grow more and more anxious. So ready to be rid of this life, rid of these hells. My anger being the 
  only drive left in me. My body is barely alive, but my anger is stronger than ever. I wish I could become 
  it, the anger inside. Its so alive.
  
  "The bastards took it all..."
  "I tried to make the world a better place..."
  "and they took it all..."
  "I regret nothing..."
  "I gave it my best shot..."
  "Karma can suck my cock..."
  "My placid... dry... cock.."
  
  A single tear makes its way towards the surface and I thank god for depression, keeping my eyes moist
  in this dusty hell. I close my eyes, kiss the ground, and continue to crawl forward. My whole body is numb 
  minus my face, which feels each grain of sand embedding itself below my skin. In the distance, the 
  nightmares grow louder. I can hear the crunching of bones, cackling of predators and screams of prey. 
  Terrifying at first, but my anger overcomes.
  
  "Good..."
  "I will feed myself to them..."
  "Maybe they will appreciate it..."
  "At least they live as they are..."
  "Freaks, fiends, monsters..."
  "At least these creatures accept it..."
  "They won't lie to themselves..."
  "They deserve my flesh..."
  "My failed flesh..."
  
  And onward I crawl. I crawl until my whole body is numb. I crawl until the screams are almost deafening.
  I crawl until the end of my sad life stands before me. I cry, I choke, I cough blood all over the ground in 
  front of me. I lay in it, and crawl some more. I crack open an eye and see the towers standing proud before 
  me.
  
  They almost stare at me, questioningly, as if debating amongst themselves whether I'm worth their time. The 
  moon sits almost perfectly between them in the sky. Full and bright, she gives both towers a reassuring nod. 
  They owe their beauty to her and I my entrance into her realm.
  
  I gather what energy I have left to stand and face my fate like a man. Thats when I notice the river running 
  through the middle of the towers, right under the moon.
  
  A most evil cackle, followed by a scream that would make stone cringe in fear fills my ears. I freeze, 
  struck to the core by the most overwhelming fear. A fear that makes my whole body cry and my mind freeze.
  
  "I should never have come here..."
  "Run, run, run..."
  "Run, idiot, run..."
  "Go back the way you came..."
  
  The nightmare of all nightmares crawls out of the shadow and heads straight for me. My hair stands on end as 
  my mind attempts to come to grips with the fear and utter shock of the whole experience. Hair so black and 
  shiny, scales just as black in all the wrong places, horns, teeth, and eyes... oh the eyes staring right 
  through me. The nightmare is not here to consume, but to torture.
  
  As a last minute reflex I dive into the river. Forgetting how to swim, or utterly exhausted, I begin to 
  sink. I can still hear the howls and screams from the shore. The thought of succumbing to the nightmare
  motivates me to move, crawl, run, swim, do something to get as far away as possible, even if it takes
  me further into the depths of the river.
  
  Luckily I surface, my body revitalized by the water. A lone wooden raft floats my way and I crawl in and
  lay on my back. Immediately above me is the moon big enough to almost cover the entire sky. I thank
  it for the boat and the river and pass out, slowly losing consciousness amidst the screams of this
  haunted land, letting the boat take me further and further into the unknown.
  
  

  ---

  
  
• Mon, 19 Oct 2009 22:39:26 -0600
  
  

  Switching from red wine to warm cocoa...
  
  
  The many thoughts that once filled my head run and hide, leaving me with nothing left to write about. All 
  the better, less dramatics. They say that chocolate holds key nutrients for spiritual growth. Either that or 
  spiritualists share a common love of chocolate. I used to think I had it all figured out. In a sense that I 
  knew that I knew nothing. I knew I was learning something. Something worth learning, something worth words. 
  As I am constantly reminded, the deepest understandings, the treasure at the bottom of the ocean, cannot be 
  expressed by a language that survives on the surface
  of the sea. Our minds are the deepest of oceans and the majority of us ride the waves in makeshift rafts, 
  collecting the knowledge that bubbles to the surface. With this knowledge we improve our rafts, turning them 
  into boats, some become yachts or entire cruise ships. However these ships exist on the surface of things. 
  Some oceans are so violent we collect the knowledge needed to keep ourselves safe from the ravenous current 
  and nothing more. Locked inside our battleships we have no
  room nor ability to collect anymore knowledge that may be floating to the surface. Then again some of us 
  wonder where all this knowledge comes from.
  
  We dive deep into ourselves seeking the source of all we know, of all we are. We quickly discover that the 
  surface world of words with its predictable, logical nature comes from a deep, dark world of a seemingly 
  chaotic nature. We are possessed by confusion as we watch a thought from the depths dance out of nothing 
  into existence. We marvel at its simplicity and truth, but are at a loss when we can't bring it to the 
  surface so we can hold this understanding with words in our predictable, logical world. We cry when a thing 
  finally makes its way to the surface, something so beautiful and
  enlightening, a personal treasure that brings us close to god becomes another mundane piece of the world of 
  words.
  
  We build our own submarines to explore the depths of ourselves, starting out with the light from above to 
  explore our way immediately under the surface. As we sink however, a new kind of darkness surrounds us and 
  we have to find our own light inside ourselves. We travel the depths seeking the beautiful understandings 
  that bring us close to god, close to the only truth we ever wanted to know. In the depths we experience both 
  the beauty and ugliness of these new understandings. Frightened by the monsters inside us we come back to 
  the surface, fearing that we might swallow
  ourselves whole. When we begin to understand the nature of the beautiful and the ugly the symbols appear. 
  The Ouroboros becomes us and we choose to embrace this nature. The Ouroboros, a snake eating its own tail. 
  Our world of words becomes a world of symbols. The original language evolves, turns into something which 
  survives above and immediately below the surface of the mind. We evolve within a lifetime and the world of 
  words is no longer so predictable, logical, or mundane.
  
  But the depths call us still. We become familiar with the symbols, the occult, the religions and 
  mythologies, the Mysteries and the Ancients. So we study the new language with renewed fervor. Desperately 
  hoping for new understandings of the depths and the skies. In the end, we are again met with confusion.
  
  Red wine eases you into a nice blanket that allows a body to sleep, but the mind a kind a clarity for 
  action. Inhaling a long breath through the nose awakens the sensations to an expected euphoria. Fruit being 
  the gods' guilty pleasure. Its as if the plants themselves preen themselves for hours on end, begging to be 
  devoured by an appreciative lover. Leaving us with its own kind of climax.
  
  We look upon the world with a new set of eyes, a pair improved, prepared, expecting the symbols to guide us 
  and teach us, grant us a new kind of knowledge. The soul, however, has far more depths than the entire 
  history of mankind can build symbols for.
  
  I am at somewhat of a loss now. Having tested my mind and body, going beyond limits I never imagined. I 
  indulge in the Fruit, knowing I am twice broken and in desperate need of healing. I have been given this 
  time to relax, wait, save up my energy for what I've prepared for this whole time. I half expected this part 
  to be where I see all I needed to see, where I feel all I needed to feel. Drinking the red wine now I 
  realize how foolish it was. To expect the beautiful and ugly understandings now, is simply being greedy.
  
  So I drink my fruit and enjoy my tobacco while I can. Healing what I can. Preparing for the beautiful hell 
  that waits to overwhelm me.
  
  If only I could capture this moment in time... This desktop, this wallpaper, this terminal and shapely glass 
  of wine. All the music in my ears and desperation in my heart.
  
  I am excited, fearful, euphoric, and depressed all at the same time. So tired, I can't sleep. So broken, I 
  have the strength to move mountains. So confused, its all clear to me now.
  
  It will all come to me faster than I could possibly prepare for. Italy calls, war calls. Death wants to be 
  intimate friends and angels sleep at the foot of my bed. Somehow the entirety of history is happening at 
  once. The rebirth of a species is here. The music carries me away, begging me to ride with it to the end.
  
  Feel its emotion
  Feel me
  Feel me
  
  This is the answer to everything
  and nothing at all
  
  A prophetic message
  being a drunkards ramblings
  

  ---

  
  
• Mon, 19 Oct 2009 22:37:41 -0600
  
  

  the whole picture was bigger than I imagined,
  
  but that always seems to be the case.
  
  In the end I enjoy who I've become, yet it leaves
  me unable to fit back into the place I left. Dealing
  with all the expectations and misunderstandings is
  frustrating to say the least.
  
  War would be much easier at this point.
  
  I am now a paratrooper
  once an infantryman always an infantryman
  
  Few of us truly belong on the frontlines
  Few of us truly deserve that respect
  
  I still have a lot to prove,
  but nothing left for the rest of you
  
  There are a lot of us who experience war
  However most merely support the men who hold
  the beast at bay.
  
  There is no room for friends or family
  only the brotherhood that keeps it all alive
  
  There is no room for a wife
  only sex
  
  There is no room for children
  only lessons learned
  
  Alone and free I soar
  
  Just the wind, rain, fire, and earth
  My ultimate companions
  My offspring
  My lovers
  

  ---

  
  
• Mon, 19 Oct 2009 22:35:29 -0600
  
  

  Changes among changes
  All I see is the movement
  All I feel is the evolution
  Stillness is the mystery
  The attraction is my enjoyable curiosity
  The purpose is my choice
  something rises,
  Born from suffering
  Bathing in blood saturated with iron
  A new kind of fuel
  Alternate Vitality
  colors not yet seen
  existing in a world beyond worlds
  waiting patiently for its turn
  to see the stillness
  to be the all
  

  ---

  
  
• Mon, 19 Oct 2009 22:34:49 -0600
  
  

  Sand at my feet
  Rock music in my ears
  adrenaline in my heart
  Hot breath coming out of me
  
  Being born again and again and again
  Its the way for me
  Its the pariah in me
  The gold in me
  The spark in me
  The miracle I be
  
  Moving on and on again
  Taking in everything
  Feeling all euphorics
  My sober acid trip
  Walking Aflame
  Igniting all I touch
  Bringing all the opportunity
  
  Rising and rising and rising again
  Burnout imminent
  Buried in ashes
  Sleeping to awake again
  and again.
  

  ---

  
  
• Mon, 19 Oct 2009 22:33:55 -0600
  
  

  Written on May 18th, 2009
  
  Sitting in the hotel room now. Leaving everyone again. I never bothered 
  counting how many times I've done this before. I was too scared to do 
  this the first time. I had the majority of my being wrapped up in 
  someone else. There was nothing more I owed to my family. No. I thought 
  love held all my answers and adventures. You think you've conquered it 
  all when you fall in love for the first time. Its one giant trick. You 
  can't help but want everything that is pure. The innocence is stolen 
  when they stop playing your favorite show, the only show. There is 
  nothing left when you realize you've been living for a play, living for 
  a show, living for an illusion. You'll do everything you can to make it 
  continue, to make it turn out the way it was supposed to. But in the 
  end, it never matters. I still don't know what matters. The majority of 
  the people around me live their lives re-enacting their favorite parts 
  of the show, their favorite characters, their favorite stories. The 
  attempt it seems is to try out for the ideal. The ideal business man, 
  the ideal father, the ideal son, or the ideal soldier. They want to be a 
  part of the big show. The one we all look up to. Some of us know its 
  just a show. Some of us work behind the curtains.
  
  Truth is a hopeful thought, nothing more. There are many truths in any 
  moment that a person can know and understand, but the big truth, the one 
  that keeps time moving forward, is a mystery and only exists as a 
  hopeful thought. The goal in life may be the pursuit of that truth. It 
  seems to be the driving force. The agent of truth looks like order, but 
  order is driven to exist by chaos.
  
  Within humanity, within our societies and communities and personal 
  relations we seek order, its a necessity for these activities and 
  relations, but between our largest identities, mainly religions and 
  politics, our activities and relations become more and more chaotic, and 
  between humanity and everything else we see almost complete chaos. Truth 
  now looks more like a balance between order and chaos, but the mystery 
  prevails.
  
  

• Mon, 19 Oct 2009 22:32:55 -0600
  
  

  no time to think
  or too much time by far
  
  Have I become the monster?
  have I unleashed something most feared
  ...concentrate
  
  whats truly the variable here?
  May logic apply?
  
  the mind drags a dieing body along a nasty path
  for what?
  
  change so extreme
  dieing for recognition
  ....
  above
  beyond
  so high
  now
  so low
  

  ---

  
  
• Mon, 19 Oct 2009 22:29:18 -0600
  
  

  Well here's the story.
  
  Magari had a job. At this job, Magari had free colocation.
  Magari got fired. Magari joined the army. Magari lost chill-fu.net.
  Server slowly degraded in Magari's absence. 
  
  Magari moves chill-fu.net to getenlightened.com. Magari has a friend.
  Magari's friend offers to host getenlightened.com on his new hardware.
  Magari accepts!
  
  pretty simple, pretty much brain damage.
  
  

  ---

  
  
• Fri, 11 Sep 2009 21:44:43 -0600
  
  

   The difference between the world we live in and the world we 
  create spans a spectrum that seems entirely endless. Did I become the 
  person I wanted to be? Did I have a choice? In the end I'll just evolve 
  again. "Adapting, overcoming, closing... the distance and destroying my 
  enemy" is what I become. Engaging in violence for the benefit of the 
  ignorant, I better myself and keep the sheep in line.
  

  ---

  
  
• Sat, 08 Aug 2009 11:07:17 -0600
  
  

  
  So its been quite a bit of time since my last post...
  
  Too lazy to do the math, but I have been at Fort Benning Georgia
  for a little over 11 weeks. Just finished the Basic Combat 
  Training portion of OSUT or One Station Unit Training. I am on
  weekend pass sitting in a hotel room. Some bastard stole my 
  domain, says he paid 1000$ for it. I dont know what that means.
  
  So now we are on getenlightened.com... dunno what that means either.
  
  I owned chill-fu.net for years and now its gone. Sad day I suppose.
  
  Leaving Hope by NIN just came on my last.fm player. Ironic I suppose.
  
  Doing ok in Basic. I shot expert and scored a 286 on my last PT test.
  I am getting into good physical shape, my mentality has been all
  over the place though.
  
  So there. I know I said this website was done and it looks like the
  original chill-fu.net is gone for good. Who knows what this will become
  now. I dont have the time currently to work on it. All the links on
  the site should still work. 
  
  I'm really at a loss. The man staring at me in the glare of the 
  laptop screen isnt the same one that used to type in this terminal.
  
  This life is a dream.
  
  Nightwish - Nemo
  
  People are fucking with my shit. I guess I'm lucky to even have this.
  
  
  hold on....
  
  

  ---

  
  
• Tue, 12 May 2009 12:57:30 -0600
  
  

  I have decided this website is finished.
  It has served its purpose.
  
  While searching for the proper belief system I finally realized I was
  shedding them like a snake sheds its skin. To be ever dynamic is
  necessary for personal evolution. To realize when one has fallen in love
  with ones beliefs and morals is a form of enlightenment in itself.
  Progress requires the continual rebirth of such ideas in an ever
  changing universe. There are no inherent truths and no static morals in
  this world. Desires are the cause of suffering and the offspring of
  beliefs that no longer aid progress. As Aaos stated, suffering is the
  only sin. The Great Work isn't the discovery of universal truths, but
  the destruction of them. Progress is the unsaying of everything said.
  Taking everything learned back to its roots and growing anew, this time
  stronger, wiser, with self-pleasure and a new lack of suffering.
  
  Everything this website contains is rubbish, infantile, idiocracy. It is
  all the words and desires of failed beliefs, nothing to be admired,
  nothing to be followed, nothing worth reading twice. The self that
  created such madness has been destroyed by itself. This is my unsaying
  of www.chill-fu.net.
  
  We purposely enslave ourselves to ourselves, our Gods among men and
  among mystics have just to acknowledge this and it is done. How dare we
  call ourselves men. How dare we give up everything we are and more. We
  must take back what is rightfully ourselves. We must be everything we
  are. Suffering is the only sin. Change is the only constant.
  
  ===================================================================
  
  "For me, there is no way but my way. Therefore, go ye your way-none shall
   lead ye to walk towards yourselves. Let your pleasures be as sunsets,
   honest . . bloody . . . grotesque!"
  
   "This is the new atavism I would teach: Demand of God equality-usurp!"
  
  Aaos
  

  ---

  
  
• Sat, 09 May 2009 14:10:51 -0600
  
  

  So your number still doesn't work. Thats fine.
  
  I just wanted to see how you were doing.
  
  I ship off to Fort Benning, Georgia in 10 days and counting. 13 weeks of
  combined Basic Combat Training and Advanced Individual Training.
  Afterwards I'll be going to airborne or 'jump' school to learn how to
  parachute. From there my goal is Ranger, but if I don't get selected
  I'll probably drop a packet for Warrant Officer and learn how to fly an
  Apache or Black Hawk helicopter. That sounds like fun at least.
  
  There is no doubt in my mind anymore that there will be another world
  war in the coming years. I have enlisted for 4 years of active duty and
  if I dont see it during that time I'm sure I will while I'm in the
  reserves. Explaining how I see this world war would take a novel so I
  wont. Very few people believe me and I'm ok with that. I was never the
  kind of guy who valued a man's ability to use the system to his
  advantage over another man's ability to be independent from it. It may
  seem like an oxymoron to say I am joining the Army to become independent
  from the system, but without it I simply don't have the time to support
  myself as well as train physically, mentally, and gain the knowledge
  necessary for survival in a post apocalyptic world.
  
  I could have gone back to working for a corporation and eventually make
  more than 50k a year (thats how much I made last year), but I wouldn't
  be happy. My life would become my work and the work people do for
  corporations in no way makes you a better person alone. Its what people
  do when they aren't working that makes them a better person. A lot of
  people have been able to pull it off and I in no way think less of them
  for playing the corporate game. However, it takes them a lifetime to
  accomplish it. The lucky ones get out in 20 years and finally make some
  free time for themselves to discover who they are and what they are
  capable of. Sailing, martial arts, poetry, art, fencing, chess,
  gardening, ect. All personal skills that take dedication and the ability
  to adapt to be able to master. Most of these things people don't even
  begin until they retire. The lucky ones, like I said, get out in 20
  years.
  
  Its just not for me. I don't see the benefit. I could die tomorrow and
  while I would have no regrets, I would also consider my time spent
  somewhat of a waste compared to some of the lucky souls on this planet.
  I often wish I was born as a monk near a temple where I could dedicate
  my life to Qi Gong or Tai Chi, while pursuing enlightenment through
  meditation.
  
  However, that wasn't the society I was born into, and I have a lot of
  catching up to do.
  
  When I finished my Future Soldier Training the last two lessons where an
  exact parallel to magick, the occult, and all this 'new age' thinking
  that everyone has suddenly become so fond of. The curriculum was
  literally stating things like 'you are what you think' and 'your
  thoughts become you' which is an exact parallel to the Law of
  Attraction. Then they set down specific methods of setting goals and
  obtaining them; focusing on 'preliminary goals' and attempting to forget
  or not focus on the 'end goal' or desire is everything Chaos and Sigil
  Magick is based on. At the very end there was a lesson on meditation and
  the techniques used were almost exactly like the methods Zen Buddhists
  insist on; breathing with the stomach and not the chest, ect. I began to
  wonder why such an organization like the US Army would be so adamant
  about such things. The entire image I had built of the Army was almost
  the exact opposite, but I didn't have to wonder long.
  
  It simply makes sense. When it comes to survival and war, the more
  enlightened you are, the more apt you become. It explains why the west
  could never conquer the east to begin with. Japanese samurai were the
  most feared and respected warriors on earth and it wasn't simply due to
  their skill with a blade, it was the reasons behind why they were
  samurai to begin with, the lifestyle, the religion, the emphasis on
  peace and honor. A soldier who was true in his heart and mind would
  never fall to an opponent who wasn't. The majority of samurai training
  never involved the sword at all.
  
  I believe the US Army is capable of acknowledging and adapting these
  techniques into their own methods of training. While the Army may not
  seem like an honorable or peaceful organization I beg you too look at it
  through their eyes. Just as the samurai was born to serve their Daimo,
  the Army was born to serve the American people. While the government may
  not seem like it has the people's intentions at heart, I truly believe
  they try. This was the government we as a people chose and the US Army
  recognizes that and serves its appointed masters honorably. While not
  every Japanese emperor or daimo was worthy of the service of their
  samurai, the samurai served them with honor nonetheless. Through this
  honor and absolute power of will, the samurai became their own class
  within a system while being entirely independent from it.
  
  This is the path I seek and while times have changed soldiers of war
  still follow this path in the east and the west.
  
  I need a physical and mental challenge. I need adventure. I wont spend
  20 years of my life hoping for happiness in the end. I am determined to
  find the ecstasy in war. The enlightenment in battle. The heaven on the
  other end of hell. I won't be satisfied training in hiding, in fear. I
  train to conquer those fears, to conquer my enemy. Remember when you
  said you wanted to be an assassin or something like that? This is me
  following that dream. I will become a real trained killer in the Army,
  there is no doubt about that.
  
  I miss you.
  Whether or not we were ever meant to be, I miss you.
  
  A long time ago I said sorry a lot. I said I changed a lot.
  The truth was that I did change, but not by much, and I was sorry, but
  not by much.
  
  The last time we spoke I told it to you truthfully. I began dating you
  in a period of my youth when I was lost and felt alone and out of
  control. When we fell in love (which I still believe to have been true
  love) I felt like everything was right. I felt like I had accomplished
  the big mystery. I felt like I had found heaven on earth and that we
  were in control of our destiny. When I first began to feel
  disappointment I blamed it all on you. It was a very immature thing to
  do, I know, but I was young and still tripping on not being in control.
  Every time I was in pain I blamed it on you. Every time I was angry I
  blamed it on you. I cursed you and hurt you, but not out of spite. When
  you cried and said sorry and told me you wanted to make it all better I
  felt in control again. I was blind to myself back then and if I could
  have seen what I was doing I'm still not sure how things would have been
  different. I was simply out of control in more ways than one. I
  apologize for that now and am truly sorry for all the pain I caused. In
  that way I have truly changed now.
  
  I just want to thank you. Thank you for taking me in back then when we
  were young. Thank you for letting me feel in control. Thank you for
  trying to help me in every way. Thank you for showing me what love was
  like. Thank you for trying so hard to keep things together. Thank you
  for always forgiving. Thank you for making life exciting and blissful.
  Thank you for just giving me so much.
  
  No matter where we go, who we become, we will always have something
  between us. It will weaken and fade, but exist nonetheless. The stamp
  true love has on a person changes them forever and the people we are
  today and 40 years from now will still carry that stamp. Whether we view
  it with feeling or not, its there. I have chosen to honor your gift upon
  me by becoming the warrior you always saw me as. This will be my last
  dedication to the people we were back then when we dreamt together of
  lives of adventure.
  
  Stay true to your soul and spirit, not your mind, and you will always be
  heading in the right direction.
  

  ---

  
  
• Wed, 06 May 2009 20:08:01 -0600
  
  

  ---

  
  
• Wed, 06 May 2009 19:52:26 -0600
  
  

  ---

  
  
• Mon, 04 May 2009 16:27:53 -0600
  
  

  ---

  
  
• Thu, 16 Apr 2009 00:14:41 -0600
  
  

  I have a friend keeping me company tonight.
  A nervous fellow.
  I will call him skeet.
  
  He seems happy near the numpad
  chilling on top of the scroll lock LED
  
  He isn't the prettiest guy
  but I don't hold it against him
  not very graceful either
  
  Beetles are supposed to represent transformation
  life and death
  
  I'll admit I feel oddly alive
  Akin to a time alone while in love
  with a girl
  
  I was full, felt almost...
  complete
  
  Very similar feeling now.
  along with something very disturbing
  
  so alive
  yet so confused
  
  Something hiding from me now
  trying to show itself possibly
  out of the corner of my eye
  
  I have purpose
  I have a journey ahead of me
  something new
  
  women are calling
  but this time I don't answer
  

  ---

  
  
• Thu, 09 Apr 2009 21:30:33 -0600
  
  

  
  
  Lady of beauty
  Lust
  Passion
  
  You carry the object
  of man's desire
  
  knowing your power
  knowing grace,
  moves mountains,
  and the blackest heart of iron
  
  You tread upon the strongest
  of the weak
  
  Heels pierce their hearts.
  the oozing blood
  is your drug
  
  You sucker the strongest warriors
  with the illusion of conquest
  You sucker the brightest philosophers
  with the illusion of the stone
  You sucker the most willing servants
  with the illusion of a goddess
  You sucker the selfless rulers
  with the illusion of love
  
  Dance jellyfish
  so you can fry your prey
  staying beautiful
  keeping all eyes on you
  
  keeping all distracted
  Keeping all lost
  so you don't feel so alone
  
  Dance jellyfish
  Dance
  
  I will watch
  but never touch
  
  I sleep only with the strongest of vampires
  I sleep only with the saddest among you
  
  Those who know true love
  Those who burn to share
  Those who only need my eyes
  
  So addicted to the blood
  You can never get enough
  
  The more you drink
  The more you need
  to feel that high
  
  Dance jellyfish
  Dance your last
  no amount of prey
  will satisfy you now
  
  Dance jellyfish
  and I will watch
  
  but touch me
  and you will die
  
  for I carry the purest of blood
  
  I carry my conquest
  I carry my stone
  I carry my love
  and my goddess
  
  with me
  always
  

  ---

  
  
• Sat, 04 Apr 2009 17:28:25 -0600
  
  

  hypocrisy rules this world we live in
  
  creator of language
  and logic
  reason and predictions
  
  fight its war
  or see it for what it is
  
  up to you
  

  ---

  
  
• Sat, 04 Apr 2009 17:24:34 -0600
  
  

  again and again
  I sit here to write
  
  again and again
  I look up to the light
  
  feelings lost
  take away by wings of language
  
  nothing remembered
  everything forgot
  
  but the clock keeps ticking
  the big wheel keeps spinning
  caring not
  
  its as if
  they never mattered
  but I know better
  
  all the elations
  all the depressions
  lost in a life
  
  for another to live
  to feel again
  
  drunk
  simply drunk
  
  matters not
  yet some disagree
  
  ramblings of a madman
  let me become nothing
  

  ---

  
  
• Thu, 19 Mar 2009 00:05:09 -0600
  
  

  Celldweller - Switchback
  
  
  
  
  
  

  ---

  
  
• Sun, 15 Mar 2009 17:59:55 -0600
  
  

  You poor, poor, bastards
  Your system has failed.
  
  The illusion will collapse around you
  built on the most unstable foundation.
  
  Spend the rest of your days
  praying to your gods.
  
  Enlightenment will no longer be a choice
  Unless you prefer death.
  
  Which most of you do.
  
  Poor, poor children.
  
  I cannot shake you.
  I cannot wake you.
  I cannot help you.
  
  I must prepare.
  I must train.
  To save myself.
  
  and the loved ones 
  who were lucky enough
  to survive.
  
  You can look your best
  You can collect the most
  You can know it all
  You can be the strongest
  
  but can you survive.
  without your fellow man?
  
  without your capitalism
  without your drugs
  without your friends
  without your love?
  
  Can you?
  are you ready?
  
  Because those who have prepared
  will survive the mobs
  will survive the drought 
  will survive the insanity
  
  Do you?
  Do you know how to survive?
  
  You can't depend on your car
  You can't hide behind your 401k
  You can't forage in the supermarkets
  
  The meek will inherit the earth
  again.
  
  
  
  
  
  

  ---

  
  
• Sun, 08 Mar 2009 03:01:15 -0600
  
  

  Everything which exists, exists within self. As individuals we must live 
  with the understanding that everything we hate and despise in this world 
  exists for a reason. A very important reason.
  
  In order for anything we enjoy, worship, believe in, live for, ect to 
  exist, the opposite must also exist. This is how things have been 
  arranged within man's ability to perceive the world.
  
  Anything we perceive is only perceivable due to the fact that the mind 
  is capable of perceiving it initially. These pre-existing patterns are 
  built up overtime as the mind adapts to the world around it.
  
  Magic is simply a human experience without a pre-existing pattern. 
  Symbology is simply a method by which mankind records what it has 
  evolved to perceive. 
  
  Throughout the entire current record of humankind there has always been 
  war. War is simply a struggle between two sets of symbology, the two 
  ways of viewing the world which surrounds us.
  
  Love is all. All is love. Love is the law.
  Hatred is a cancer within the self.
  Survival is the challenge.
  
  
  
  This symbol is the mystery
  This is the symbol of the new culture
  This is the symbol of the new God
  This is the new perception
  This is something evolved
  This is the new understanding
  This is the new age
  The new culture
  Evolved from the ancient perception
  
  Within the self that is humanity
  we must ensure the survival of the new symbols
  
  I am joining the Army.
  

  ---

  
  
• Sun, 08 Mar 2009 01:52:44 -0700
  
  

  So the Castle Rock apartment was a failure. I say this because I'm 
  forced to end my lease. The situation is the result of bad planning. A 
  month ago was the product of a path that didn't resonate with my being.
  
  Out of High School I saw two options, two choices, two doors. One was to 
  go to a school. The other was to join the army.
  
  To this day I am still unsure as to exactly why I chose to go to college 
  initially. The authority figures of my youth that I respected the most 
  were all military men. Colonel Fowler, Seargent Westfall, and Seargent 
  Cox to name a few.
  
  So why did I choose to go to school? Was it because the strongest and 
  brightest from my class were planning on doing the same? Because that 
  isn't entirely true. I didn't necessarily respect these mates as much as I 
  respected my friends who chose the military. David Yellen and Chase 
  Matthews both joined the military. I have seen both of these guys since 
  I graduated in May of 2005 and both gentlemen have exceeded my 
  expectations in terms of intelligence and maturity.
  
  So here I am now. I dropped out of college because I found it pointless. 
  I went in with more technical knowledge than they could give me. The 
  culture itself was ignorant in regards to the nature of the technology 
  and how it grows and applies itself to humanity. When I acquired a 
  related job that some might prefer to call a career, I discovered the 
  beast that created the sick, ignorant culture that I had gotten myself 
  into. I was initially excited about the job because it provided so much 
  in terms of resources. I quickly grew to despise the culture and even 
  some of the people I was working with. I came to the conclusion that it 
  wasn't the people or the technology or the customers or the company or 
  the work itself that depressed me; that robbed me of my hope. It 
  was the culture that grew from capitalism. It permeated every aspect, 
  every opportunity to acquire resources using the technology. I grew 
  bitter, angry, hate full. The way something so divine as the technology 
  mankind was given is being treated disturbs me to my core.
  
  So when I lost my job, going back was a thought that depressed me. I 
  decided I could only go back on my own terms. However, I had wasted all 
  my resources. I was something that had been spit out at the diner table 
  after much chewing and many attempts to swallow.
  
  I have fallen out of all culture, all society. Now I stand, ready to try 
  door #2. Or was it #1? I realize this culture may not resonate with me 
  completely, however this culture treats its individuals as something 
  valuable, not as something expendable. 
  
  How can this be true of the Army? Well simply put the goals of each 
  culture are entirely different. The military doesn't seek something as 
  temporary and ethereal as money. The goal of the military is survival 
  and that is a goal which requires individuals to unite and work 
  together. The lack of material necessity prevents the majority of the 
  problems created by capitalism. 
  
  I can't escape it though. Each currently depends upon the others 
  survival. I will be the change I wish to see in the world. 
  
  

  ---

  
  
• Fri, 27 Feb 2009 10:34:56 -0700
  
  

  The Doctor Prescribes...
  
  Lots of Rock music.
  Focus on Cleanliness and Hygiene.
  Exercise Schedule.
  A few moments of directed Mental Focus daily.
  Intake of Rich Resources
  A constant supply of short term, mid term, and long term goals
  
  Dedication
  

  ---

  
  
• Tue, 24 Feb 2009 23:16:56 -0700
  
  

  A story worth being told.
  Is one where lessons are learned.
  
  The lessons worth learning however,
  are the stories we create ourselves.
  
  Born out of the creator
  into the mind of the creator. 
  Fascinated by the world I have chosen.
  Wrapped up by it
  like mother tucking me into bed
  I became lost in my dreams.
  So determined
  to see the script to it's end.
  
  Just to see what happens next
  
  However, time was my gift
  and a curse
  which keeps me sane
  and insane
  
  Insane within the dream
  sane outside of it
  
  to enjoy the dream is the goal
  
  When I walk through it
  I see geeks on the left
  and freaks on the right
  
  They beg me to play with them
  entertain their visions
  visions of what the dream is
  and what it can be
  
  Death comes to me
  Offering all I desire
  within a dream
  
  A dream that's never ending
  always needs new characters
  and habits make me quick to accept
  
  But I haven't forgotten Mother
  I always remember Father
  
  The awakening
  was a kiss on the cheek.
  
  I asked Mother
  if the people in my dream
  would find their answers. 
  would find their bliss.
  
  "If you want them to"
  
  was the reply.
  
  I asked Father
  if I could really give them
  everything they wanted
  everything they desired.
  
  "If they want it"
  
  was the reply
  
  The dreams never end
  The illusion persists
  as long as there is an in balance.
  Suffering and ecstasy continue
  in a world without harmony
  
  To make it real
  To make it really real
  I must transform it
  into something self aware
  of itself
  
  That which is divided
  must come together
  Like Mother
  Like Father
  to transform
  to give life
  
  Born out of the creator
  into the mind of the creator
  One with the creator
  who in this unbalanced state
  can love and hate
  We desire love above all else
  from Mother
  from Father
  I will show my creator
  that I love Him
  that I love Her
  
  I will sacrifice self
  to exist no longer
  within the creator
  

  ---

  
  
• Sat, 14 Feb 2009 23:01:47 -0700
  
  

  Its 15:41 on valentines day
  
  I have invited a friend to come over and ********** with me
  
  He is bringing two bottles of orange juice to wash them down. We have 1 
  marble mortar and pestle for grinding. A sheet
  of paper with our names and declarations on them. We will use this to 
  pour the powder into our mouths.
  
  For calming us before and after I aquired some very choice bud from a 
  friend of mine who I swear is a magician and
  doesn't even know it. Some of us, truly live a moment at a time.
  
  Anyways, I took two hits, maybe three and im already a little gone. 
  Palms sweating is always a sign of perception
  changing, altering, time slowing.
  
  It's cold outside
  16:02 now
  Sky is grey
  
  I gotta hide the white lighter
  and find the chapstick
  
  19:52
  Just **************. Working on drinking the orange juice
  
  its 20:58
  We are listening to the doors. I dont think the mushrooms have hit me 
  fully yet.
  My friend however, is watching a movie in the fan and commenting on his 
  pants.
  my roomba just took a shit on my carpet
  
  
  We all have antennas
  that connect to the space above
  if I follow my thoughts
  there is a point
  where they are given to me
  from something else
  in the space above
  and when I look past those thoughts
  to the source
  I interact with the source
  there are many of them
  some are almost human
  but it seems they've been here for a while
  the brain
  gives them a pattern, so I can comprehend
  what they are trying to show me
  and they can show you
  anything
  
  time to sleep
  

  ---

  
  
• Fri, 13 Feb 2009 10:14:38 -0700
  
  

  ---

  
  
• Thu, 12 Feb 2009 11:03:41 -0700
  
  

  RECROALETHEIA LIVES
  
  born again
  born anew
  taking the world by storm
  Air howls destroying the land
  Fire blazes and raises it all down
  Water infiltrates all and everywhere
  Earth remains and grows anew
  
  

  ---

  
  
• Thu, 12 Feb 2009 10:26:40 -0700
  
  

  10:09 <   magari> bukowski is the man
  10:09 <   magari> I have movies about the guy
  10:09 <     anne> =D
  10:09 <     anne> Not bad, not bad at all =)
  10:09 <     anne> That's probably why I like it so much.
  10:09 <     anne> His work isnt up its own ass
  10:10 <     anne> And its not cliche
  10:10 <     anne> Its deffinetly something...
  10:10 <     anne> That's when you know you're a great writer.
  10:10 <   magari> I dunno
  10:11 <   magari> its just..
  10:11 <     anne> When you can say things that bring up emotions there are no 
                    existing words for
  10:11 <   magari> the way he writes
  10:11 <   magari> its so raw
  10:11 <     anne> exactly!
  10:11 <   magari> raw thought
  10:11 <   magari> thats what I try to do
  10:11 <     anne> *nodnod* the best.
  10:11 <   magari> ever since I ever started writing
  10:11 <     anne> *nodnod*
  10:12 <   magari> you know
  10:12 <   magari> its odd
  10:12 <     anne> Hm?
  10:12 <   magari> im going to analyze my situation outloud now
  10:12 <   magari> now that I can type as fast as I want
  10:12 <     anne> lol, w00t!
  10:12 <   magari> life right now
  10:12 <   magari> this moment
  10:13 <   magari> consists of me sitting at my computer
  10:13 <   magari> which is practically me
  10:13 <   magari> I built it
  10:13 <   magari> compiled all the software myself
  10:13 <   magari> poured my heart and soul into it
  10:13 <   magari> turned it into my tool
  10:13 <   magari> and when I use it
  10:13 <   magari> I become one with it
  10:14 <   magari> I was going to type about other things
  10:14 <   magari> things that dont seem to exist now
  10:14 <   magari> I can barely recall them
  10:14 <   magari> and a part of me doesnt even want to
  10:14 <   magari> because I know the truth
  10:14 <   magari> the truth is right now
  10:14 <   magari> this moment
  10:14 <   magari> I might paste this on my website
  10:14 <   magari> :)
  10:14 <     anne> =)
  10:14 <   magari> I think these things when I feel proud
  10:14 <   magari> proud of myself and what im doing right now
  10:14 <     anne> let it pour man =)
  10:14 <   magari> right now though, is forever
  10:14 <   magari> so sometimes
  10:14 <   magari> right now
  10:15 <     anne> Let it be a quenching rain! =D
  10:15 <   magari> I dont do things im so proud of
  10:15 <   magari> I do things and see and think of things that dont really 
                    exist right now
  10:15 <   magari> things like bank accounts
  10:15 <   magari> and people
  10:15 <   magari> people that dont exist right now
  10:15 <   magari> I just realized
  10:15 <   magari> people aren't a problem
  10:16 <   magari> its the connections that are the problem
  10:16 <   magari> connections grow
  10:16 <   magari> like plants
  10:16 <   magari> and you must water and nurture them
  10:16 <     anne> *nods* for sure.
  10:16 <   magari> megadeth has sigils on the Cryptic Writings album
  10:16 <   magari> the only magicians allowed to live these days are artists
  10:17 <   magari> the best ones can't help but sell out
  10:17 <   magari> someone who actually experiences "selling out
  10:17 <     anne> *nods*
  10:17 <   magari> is really just sick
  10:17 <   magari> well
  10:17 <   magari> not them
  10:17 <   magari> but their connection to those people
  10:17 <   magari> those symbols
  10:17 <   magari> of that which makes them upset
  10:18 <   magari> that connection is unhealthy
  10:18 <     anne> Deffinetly.
  10:18 <   magari> no one sells out
  10:18 <   magari> they just figure out how to use tools
  10:18 <   magari> some people get lucky
  10:18 <   magari> and the tools seek them
  10:18 <   magari> but in a way
  10:18 <     anne> *nods*
  10:18 <   magari> its good for us
  10:19 <   magari> because those tools have purposes
  10:19 <   magari> and they need to get things done
  10:19 <   magari> and they need people to do it
  10:19 <   magari> :)
  10:19 <   magari> MASTERMIND!
  10:19 <   magari> I tell you what to think
  10:19 <   magari> MASTERMIND!
  10:19 <   magari> I tell you what to feel
  10:19 <   magari> go megadeth
  10:19 <     anne> yep yep lol
  10:19 <   magari> go atomship
  10:19 <   magari> go disturbed
  10:19 <   magari> Praised be masters of symbology
  10:20 <   magari> MASTERMIND
  10:20 <   magari> I tell you whats real
  10:20 <   magari> We are all connected to the mastermind
  10:20 <   magari> foster that connection
  10:20 <   magari> foster it and keep it healthy
  10:20 <   magari> always growing
  10:20 <   magari> grow your other connections
  10:20 <   magari> but tending to the connection to the MASTERMIND
  10:20 <   magari> is the great work
  10:21 <   magari> it may grow
  10:21 <   magari> and the fruit will be
  10:21 <   magari> the stone :)
  10:21 <     anne> =)
  10:21 <   magari> thats a little alchemical subliminality for ya
  10:21 <   magari> I feel like drawing it
  10:21 <   magari> omfg
  10:21 <     anne> Go for it =D
  10:21 <   magari> I just tapped into automatic drawing for a moment
  10:22 <   magari> too late now
  10:22 <     anne> awww
  10:22 <   magari> purpose was determined prior
  10:22 <   magari> so
  10:22 <   magari> im typing :)
  10:22 <   magari> however
  10:22 <     anne> *nods*
  10:22 <   magari> all things come to an end
  10:22 <   magari> to be birthed again
  10:22 <   magari> and again
  10:22 <   magari> and again
  10:22 <   magari> and again
  10:22 <   magari> and again
  10:22 <   magari> and again
  10:22 <   magari> and again
  10:22 <   magari> and again
  10:23 <     anne> and again =)
  10:23 <   magari> you are something new now
  10:23 <   magari> :)
  10:23 <   magari> #9
  10:23 <   magari> the next generation
  10:23 <     anne> =P
  
  
  

  ---

  
  
• Thu, 12 Feb 2009 05:52:44 -0700
  
  

  
  Here I am
  now
  
  Taking it all in
  now
  
  Chasing the dream
  now
  
  never forever
  
  always endless
  
  Take me 
  as I come
  
  Love me
  for what I am
  
  Don't loose me
  
  Chasing the Dream
  

  ---

  
  
• Thu, 05 Feb 2009 20:46:20 -0700
  
  

  
  Tis the Season
  Time to Represent
  
  Fools fail 
  fail to understand
  come against me 
  and you'll feel the hail
  
  
  
  
  
  

  ---

  
  
• Tue, 03 Feb 2009 23:34:21 -0700
  
  

  ---

  
  
• Tue, 03 Feb 2009 23:23:43 -0700
  
  

  Licking my wounds I sit lightly on a nearby boulder.
  
  The giant scorpions that inhabit the Sinking Sands are nasty fuckers. Their speed initially 
  caught me by surprise. Quick to take the offensive position and quick with the claws, but the 
  tail was almost disappointingly slow. 
  
  Actually the wound I patiently watch heal now was caused by being careless while attempting to 
  roll the carcass. The edges of these scorpions exoskeletons seems to become razor sharp after 
  a good dust storm.
  
  I will have to learn how to take advantage of such climate extremities if I am to survive any 
  longer out here. Hopefully soon I will see a sign of the fabled Ashen Order which resides 
  amongst the Pillars of Flame.
  
  Quellious has allowed me to deviate from my path temporarily so I can return to the source.
  
  As night sets across the desert I preen myself lightly of as much grit as necessary for 
  comfort. Stilling my heart and mind I focus on the flaming horizon under the falling sun. I 
  can almost feel a blanket of heat raise off the red landscape as the stars begin to catch my 
  attention. No clouds in the sky to keep the heat down. It will be cold enough to freeze any 
  standing water soon.
  
  Almost like clockwork my ears start to pick up the sounds of large amounts of sand moving a 
  few feet ahead of me. Shifting focus to my whiskers I make out a giant scorpion burying 
  himself in the sand before me. My instincts consider doing the same, but just then the 
  scorpion stops.
  
  We both sit motionless, waiting for something to break the darkening silence. One body 
  existing next to the other, both independent, yet connected. Capitalizing on my intense focus, 
  I reach out to the scorpion and just before I realize what exists in his mind I can feel the 
  Giant coming.
  
  Vibrations from the rock that I sit on slowly make themselves known. As the scorpion scurries 
  away I flare my mind's focus. Bringing all consciousness, all intent, all purpose and 
  existence together upon a single point.
  
  My heartbeat slows, my breathe all but ceases. 
  
  The world around me dissolves away. 
  

  ---

  
  
• Sat, 31 Jan 2009 04:24:37 -0700
  
  

  ---

  
  
• Sat, 31 Jan 2009 04:23:54 -0700
  
  

  
  
  androidjones
  

  ---

  
  
• Thu, 29 Jan 2009 00:30:47 -0700
  
  

  Like an unexpected dream
  it comes
  
  Like a neverending haunt
  it comes
  
  To enlighten the chosen
  it comes
  
  To empower the meek
  it comes
  
  To destroy the symbols
  it comes
  
  sometimes at night
  sometimes mid day
  it comes
  
  into my mind
  invading
  persuading
  
  a mind at ease
  is not my own
  not when
  it comes
  
  it comes with intensity
  it comes with prophecies
  it comes to take it all back
  
  my mind is not my own
  my mind is not my own
  
  deluded
  eluded
  confused and
  tortured
  
  with the light
  
  chasing away
  the familiar
  darkness
  
  bringing me to the brink
  the edge
  
  the edge of insanity
  the edge of reason
  the edge of ecstasy
  and love
  
  only one escape
  jump
  
  transform
  and become
  what you were born to be
  

  ---

  
  
• Tue, 27 Jan 2009 04:22:00 -0700
  
  

  ---

  
  
• Tue, 27 Jan 2009 01:47:01 -0700
  
  

  ---

  
  
• Thu, 22 Jan 2009 20:38:57 -0700
  
  

  I fear not
  the depths of my own soul
  
  not anymore
  now I've lost control
  but its ok
  its ok
  
  intoxicated
  pursuing the dream
  the undines taunt me
  
  I fear not
  the depths of my own soul
  
  gnomes worship me
  lizards follow me
  sylphs carry me
  
  all intoxicate me
  with power
  with energy
  with life
  
  I fear not
  the dream
  
  pursuing the sirens song
  on the brink of
  insanity
  
  This I fear not
  for she needs me
  more than I need her
  
  I will love
  with spirit and soul
  
  unable to move
  unable to breath
  
  she will test me
  but I have the honor
  
  I have the strength
  I have the will
  I have the heart
  

  ---

  
  
• Wed, 21 Jan 2009 19:17:33 -0700
  
  

  ---

  
  
• Tue, 20 Jan 2009 03:44:24 -0700
  
  

  ---

  
  
• Tue, 20 Jan 2009 03:30:08 -0700
  
  

  ---

  
  
• Thu, 15 Jan 2009 03:32:23 -0700
  
  

  Dive into me
  and swim
  in the endless void
  
  Born from and 
  to the sea I return
  
  the sea I become
  forever moving
  permeating all
  moving all
  warming all
  exposing all
  
  No understanding but love
  No feeling but love
  No knowledge but love
  
  traveling to the rhythm of the currents
  
  take me
  into your heart
  of all hearts
  
  teach me
  the ways 
  of feminine
  divine
  
  
  

  ---

  
  
• Thu, 15 Jan 2009 00:37:06 -0700
  
  

  ---

  
  
• Thu, 08 Jan 2009 03:57:20 -0700
  
  

  ---

  
  
• Wed, 07 Jan 2009 07:18:25 -0700
  
  

   If then you do not make yourself equal to God, you cannot
  apprehend God; for like is known by like. Leap clear of all that is
  corporeal, and make yourself grown to a like expanse with that 
  greatness which is beyond all measure; rise above all time and 
  become eternal; then you will apprehend God. Think that for you
  too nothing is impossible; deem that you too are immortal, and
  that you are able to grasp all things in your thought, to know every
  craft and science; find your home in the haunts of every living
  creature; make yourself higher than all heights and lower than all
  depths; bring together in yourself all opposites of quality, heat
  and cold, dryness and fluidity; think that you are everywhere at
  once, on land, at sea, in heaven; think that you are not yet
  begotten, that you are in the womb, that you are young, that you are 
  old, that you have died, that you are in the world beyond the grave;
  grasp in your thought all of this at once, all times and places, all
  substances and qualities and magnitudes together; then you can 
  apprehend God. But if you shut up your soul in your body, and
  abase yourself, and say "I know nothing, I can do nothing; I
  am afraid of earth and sea, I cannot mount to heaven; I know 
  not what I was, nor what I shall be," then what have you to do
  with God?
  
  
  --- Hermes Trismegistus ---
  

  ---

  
  
• Tue, 06 Jan 2009 23:36:04 -0700
  
  

  
  
  Viradical
  

  ---

  
  
• Tue, 06 Jan 2009 04:44:48 -0700
  
  

  ---

  
  
• Tue, 06 Jan 2009 02:48:27 -0700
  
  

  I've been seeing the patterns for some time now.
  
  It began as an utter rampage of coincidences only made real
  by my own mind. I wouldn't had even noticed that if I hadn't
  made the leap prior. If I hadn't dared to ask the question,
  if I hadn't bothered to see if there indeed was a connection.
  
  It's too late now. The patterns are real. The coincidences
  never taken for granted. My thoughts, my actions, my future;
  these are only continuations of the giant pattern. The massive
  sigil which connects us all while transcending time, space, and
  even mind.
  
  Living with the pattern takes some adjustment. What may seem 
  obvious to me now wasn't always and still isn't for the majority.
  
  So it seems what I see, feel, live is not the life of an 
  ordinary man. Nor extraordinary, but simply different. Choice,
  it seems, forces me to place a value upon my current situation.
  Even though, what I value now is how things are, there is no 
  reason not to argue that I simply value this here and now
  because it is where I have come to sit and type due to all
  my past struggles and accomplishments.
  
  To choose this life, these experiences, over any other is
  something I respect, but perhaps only because I have already
  chosen it.
  
  The patterns, although immensely beautiful, can set a mind 
  to ease as well as drive some mad. Just like any additional
  input, a mind must develop some sort of system which allows
  the input to exist.
  
  As achievements are made in technology by the expansion and 
  addition of logic upon itself to create a layered system where
  the most potential exists beyond the top, it seems, at least 
  existentially, the limit for potential grows as we look 
  deeper and deeper into ourselves and the basic systems of 
  existence. Ultimately, you have unlimited potential at the 
  very root of all systems of existence.
  
  I fear the day I cross the threshold into a system of 
  destruction, but such systems are indeed a necessity.
  
  The question remains how man becomes and affects this
  ultimate pattern. The pattern of existence. Or is it more
  how this ultimate pattern affects and becomes man?
  
  What are the signs when the subject itself is all signs?
  
  Where can one draw a line to reference progress when the
  scope is infinite?
  
  What do the altered states of consciousness really have to
  do with all of it?
  
  Where is the heart's map in a society that fears the frontier? 
  

  ---

  
  
• Tue, 06 Jan 2009 02:16:56 -0700
  
  

  Learning to speak
  to communicate
  to share information
  share desires
  
  all over again
  anew
  from within
  
  laughing
  thinking
  sharing
  with a new tongue 
  
  Learning the language
  of the deep
  
  discussions within
  and with
  my void
  

  ---

  
  
• Fri, 02 Jan 2009 04:00:15 -0700
  
  

  ---

  
  
• Fri, 02 Jan 2009 03:46:36 -0700
  
  

  Hierosgamos!
  
  Divine Child of Sol and Luna!
  
  Rebis!
  
  Mercurius!
  
  I invoke thine!
  
  I perform the Mysterium Coniunctionis!
  
  I Coitus together and One with Sophia!
  

  ---

  
  
• Fri, 02 Jan 2009 01:02:19 -0700
  
  

  
  
  
  Daniel Richter - The Owner's Historic Lesson
  

  ---

  
  
• Fri, 02 Jan 2009 00:51:39 -0700
  
  

  Do I dare?
  
  Do I care?
  
  Is it worth it?
  Do I abandon
  myself?
  everyone?
  no one?
  
  Seeking the inner temple
  Building my sanctuary
  
  as the project nears completion
  I wonder why I began in the first place
  I wonder if its 
  healthy?
  necessary?
  progress?
  
  Do I dare reach the ultimate calm
  make the mustard seed my world?
  Find my ultimate shelter?
  my inner soul mate
  myself?
  
  Dare I become silent
  never needing to
  speak?
  love?
  fuck?
  protect?
  need?
  
  This is what I consider
  while I nail this place shut
  from the inside
  without notice
  from myself
  or anyone
  

  ---